Forgiveness

Of course this time of year we hear a lot about forgiveness. I personally think I must have been dropped on my head as a baby  because I have an overabundance of forgiveness when it seems like others find it difficult to forgive, it is extremely easy for me, for some insane reason. My first husband threw a full beer bottle at my forehead when I was 2 months pregnant and has forever scarred my face, I forgave him immediately, he threw a number of other items at me later on in our marriage, I continued to forgive. However, when he critically injured my 6 month old baby.... I wanted nothing but pain and suffering to come to him. I can forgive things that happen to me...but to my kids? Not so much!

My second husband beat me regularly when he was high on crack and again, forgave immediately. I know God wants us to  forgive but I thought forgiving meant to "forgive and forget". Like how he wipes our slate clean from sin, I thought I was supposed to forgive all the bad and move on as if it didn't happen.  Many people can't understand what in the world I was thinking (and I look back now and wonder myself how I could have been so naive), but I honestly thought I would be sinning by not forgiving and walking out on my marriage.

I recall my best friend asking me why I always wake up like its a new day. My reply is "well it is a new day, Duh!" But what she didn't understand (as most people don't) is why I would forgive and forget and wake up like it was a new day and not let the horribly frightening day before affect me. I was completely misunderstanding the act and process of  forgiveness. It took me years to fully understand this concept.

• Forgiving does not mean you will never feel that pain again or remember how that person hurt you.
• Forgiving is not about right or wrong. To forgive doesn't mean you are taking ownership in the "wrong" and admitting the other person is "right". It doesn't mean you are excusing the behavior or giving them permission to continue to repeat the behavior.
• Forgiving does not mean you need to continue the unhealthy relationship; you can forgive a person and live apart from them. ~ This one was a big one for me....eye opening!! Ding Ding Ding!!

I lived many years in very violent situations due to my unhealthy forgiving practices. I am only here by God's grace! I  think these concepts also work for those that have difficulty forgiving others. You have to ask yourself, was the wrong that was done so bad that I can't ever trust that person again? If so, then you still must forgive and let that go because otherwise the unforgiveness becomes a poison inside your heart...but you can choose to live apart from that person since the trust has been lost. It is necessary to understand that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, it is not forgetting, condoning or excusing. It is merely a matter of the heart. Forgiveness leads to peace....and there is nothing better than peace.

Purpose

It's remarkable how a person changes throughout their lifetime. On this Good Friday, as I sit and think about the ultimate sacrifice, how Jesus laid down his life for the sins of mankind, I am marveled at the stages I have gone through in my own life and how far God has brought me. Starting out as an innocent and shy child, moving into a selfish teenager, then off to college to go crashing into a brick wall (so to speak) of life's trauma as a young adult on my own. Being hurt by a few people along the way, I turned to alcohol and drugs as a means of coping. I led that completely unsatisfying life for quite a number of years, deciding then to go searching for my "true love".....which didn't go quite as planned.

I wound up married two different times to physically abusive men, third marriage wound up being a  mentally abusive situation. But looking back on my life I see that God has used those situations in my life for good. When I think about God sending His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, I think what love God has for us that He sent His son to DIE for us!! This was God's will, the purpose He had in this ultimate sacrifice was to free us from sin (bondage) so that we may have everlasting life with God our Father.

Hmmm....God's purpose. Have you ever stopped to think about what YOUR purpose is? Like, what did God have in mind when He created YOU? Well I think about that, and wind up overwhelmed and sometimes crying. Crying because of where I have come from, and how I have changed. That song "Amazing Grace" comes to mind (which was my Daddy's favorite song....so it already makes me sob when I hear it). In that song it says "that saved a wretch like me - I once was lost but now I'm found". I am in awe that God could have a purpose for "a wretch like me", someone who was once a crackhead. Someone who slept around trying to find love (in all the wrong places of course....which is a bad country song, right?). BUT...in spite of who I was, God continues to use me for His purposes. I know that one purpose He has for me is to be a comfort to other women that have been battered and are in that time of crisis. I was volunteering at a women's shelter for battered women, which I have taken a leave from to complete my Bacherlor's degree, but plan on going back to it as I am not only helping those women, but they are helping me heal as well.

So over the years I have grown (thankfully) into a better human being, a caring and compassionate person that I believe God intended me to be. I know my purpose in life is to help others, to love on those that feel unloved, to share God's love with them and to be a help where I can be. The part of the purpose I don't always know is "where" God will have me go or "what" He will have me do next. He reveals those in His own time. My latest journey is a short term missions trip to Ethiopia coming up in July. Which is the reason I began a blog to keep record of my journey through this preparation process and during my travels and experiences. I am really, really nervous! I have never flown that far before! 10 days is such a long time to be away from home (for a home-body like me)! I am not sure about how to share my faith with those of another language that I don't speak! Oh, yeah, there are a number of reasons I have come up with to NOT go on this trip...and for a number of years. God is relentless though. LOL! He is not giving this one up....so I am giving in. (sigh)

I am going to be very honest during my blogs (real talk); I am both nervous and very excited for this journey that God has in store for not only me but my teenage daughter as well. In this latest growth phase of my life I have come to realize that while we may not always know our purpose in life, its important to keep praying for God to reveal our purpose to us so that we can begin to live the life we were called to live. Otherwise, it is kind of pointless right?

The Man and The Boy

I have sat back and watched the sad story of the death of Trayvon Martin unfold over the past couple of weeks and kept silent. Until now. It is amazing to me all of the politicians using this story for their political agenda, it is also amazing to me all the people that are using this story to solidify and further their hate towards others. While I believe that this was, in fact, a matter of racial profiling that no one wishes to admit, I believe there is one thing, one very important fact that people are failing to understand. This was a completely senseless tragedy. So to keep this level on all sides, I am going to take race out of the equation. This will be one "man" and one "boy" (because Trayvon  was not yet a man).

We have a 17 year old "boy" on his way to his family's home, unarmed. A grown "man", driving slowly behind "the boy", looking very suspicious, and making "the boy" nervous. This grown "man" called 911. For what exactly? The purpose of being a neighborhood watch is to watch out for criminals, or criminal activity, call the police and report any criminal activity or suspicious looking people. So if "the man" believed he saw someone suspicious learking in his neighborhood, why would he not call 911, report him, give his description and perhaps follow him to where he would have wound up, which would have been his father's house ultimately. He could have reported that. But instead, 911 tells him they have sent police to the neighborhood, and to not pursue "the boy" any further. That should have been the end of it. Am I wrong? But it wasn't. Instead, he got out of his truck and pursued "the boy" on foot, which was the beginning of this senseless tragedy.

Now the reports are saying the "boy" punched "the man" in the nose. Hello?! How many 17 year old boys that are being pursued by a grown man, wouldn't have turned around to try to protect themselves thinking their life was in danger? "The boy" didn't know this "man", why would he have thought this was someone protecting their neighborhood? Did "the man" identify himself as the neighborhood watch and ask "the boy" what he was doing in the neighboorhood? And "the man" says he shot "the boy" in self defense, did "the boy" not deserve to defend himself from a grown man that was following him? This tragedy never even had to happen had "the man" followed the protocol of being a neighborhood watch volunteer...or followed the directions of the 911 operator....or just flat out acted like a human being. Instead, he chose to shoot and kill a 17 year old boy because he "thought" this boy didn't belong in the neighborhood, he "thought" this was a thief coming to rob his neighborhood. Well, I wonder how "the man"  would feel being put in prison without a fair trial? Or worse, how would he feel if he were put to death for the shooting without anyone asking him what happened and what his side of the story was?

This is what Mr. Zimmerman did to Trayvon. He didn't give Trayvon a chance to explain anything, he didn't give him the opportunity to tell his side of the story, he didn't even give him a chance to see another day. He chose to take the life of a boy that had a whole life ahead of him. For this, Mr. Zimmerman should have to answer for his poor choices, its called consequence. I know I have taught my children that there are always consequences for your actions, if you make poor choices then you must suffer the consequence. What is this case teaching the country or our country's children?

My personal opinion is probably pretty clear from my post, but I feel that Mr. Zimmerman should be held accountable for his poor choice of ignoring his obligation of the neighborhood watch, his poor choice of ignoring the 911 operator, he should be charged and his fate left to a jury of his peers to determine whether or not he is guilty of killing a 17 year old boy, who still had a lifetime of living to do.